It's hard to be patient with myself. With my body that doesn't let me do what I want. With my mind that feels so broken. Like today. I wanted to go to church on Easter Sunday with my family. I tried preparing and planning ahead so kids would know the expectations and not fight me, so we'd all be showered and have clean clothes and not have to rush around stressed at the last minute or be late.
But, my brain being what it is...
went into manic mode yesterday. I imagine it's a lot like what a ton of caffeine does to most people. I was speaking really fast and excited about the smallest things. I couldn't hold still or focus. Then, I was hyperfocused. I binged watched all of Bridgerton season 2 on VidAngel. I was wide awake and singing in the shower at 2 am. I set ohhhh sooooo many alarms to help myself wake up early enough to get everyone ready for 9 am church (even though I was up past 4), then woke up way before the first alarm and had to force myself back to sleep. Obsessive thoughts of self-inflicted obligations and priorities (because you KNOW I'm the only one in the world who can do stuff. Everything hinges on me, of course. If I don't do ALL THE THINGS, the world will end) kept the cortisol levels up, which equaled lots of headaches, body aches, teeth clenching, shakiness, and brain fog.
So, instead of sitting on a church pew with my kids, I laid in bed and watched the live stream of our sacrament meeting while I kept reminding myself to be patient and kind to myself and thankful I could attend virtually. Because, when I have a manic episode like this I can take advantage of the energy surge (and reeeeeeally pay for it later), stay upset, or try to relax and calm down.
If you've read this far, sorry for the rant. I don't mean to complain, but writing it down and sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences helps me process. The grief and guilt are fading, and I'm starting to feel calm and peace. I'm starting to learn that I can't (and don't have to!) be alone in all this.
What helps you when you're struggling?
#adhd #ocd #chronicillness #singlemomlife #depression #anxiety
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I'm a single mom with 3 special needs children, living in Utah, overcoming mental illness and crazy health problems to pull my family out of poverty and live my dreams as an author.
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Medical information is based on my own beliefs and experience. Nothing on this site should be used instead of professional medical advice.
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